On Why I’m Not a Stand-up Comedian

A Short and undignified answer to an inconsequential question.

By Meg Martin

Let’s be candid. First and foremost, this is not some vanity smeared essay detailing why I would be terrible at stand-up, all the while proving that very thesis to be false. That would be juvenile and dishonest. No, instead this is a very real and very personal introspective. In other words, this is for me. In different other words, this is not for you. This is in no way meant to entertain or distract, so wipe that smirk off your face right now and show some respect for a needless problem in someone else’s life for once.

And I know what you’re thinking. “Why would I post this publicly if it wasn’t meant for entertainment? The tagline of your blog is ‘for your entertainment’ you idiot.”

Fair point. But at the time of posting, this blog has exactly six followers and at least two of them are blood relatives, so your use of “publicly” could be debated.  Really, the only reason I’m putting this here and not writing it in my journal is because we aren’t on speaking terms at the moment. So stop nitpicking and accept the premise.

I am not a stand-up comedian. And there is a good reason for that. Multiple, in fact. Multiple reasons that I will now outline two of below, for me, so I may keep my ego in check (why only two? Please refer to section I.).

I. I’m Lazy

A cold hard truth.

The thing about being a stand-up comedian is that you have to keep doing stand-up in order to hold on to the title. It’s not a one and done. I prefer job titles that require zero effort to maintain.

Which is why I am a writer.

I just don’t understand why anyone would waste their breath telling a joke that they may or may not be proud of just so it can dissipate almost instantaneously in the ears of 10-15 random people. What? For the laugh? Grow up. No, I much rather treat my musings as sacred and write them down so they can dissipate almost instantaneously in the eyes of my readers. Readers who, gloriously, give no feedback at all. Put another way, why entertain 10-15 people for one night when you could put pen to paper and entertain 10-15 people over the course of your lifetime? Seems much more respectable (and less time consuming) a practice.

II. I have no stage presence.

Sadly true and confirmed by multiple dear friends. Though I realize it must be hard to believe due the very obvious and abundant page presence I clearly possess. But then, it’s much easier to have a personality in secret, isn’t it? And that’s what writing is. Having a personality that only lives in other people’s heads.

Yes, I may have a prolific writer’s voice, but my speaking voice is quite lacking. But no matter, it suits me. I much rather have my words speak for themselves, as a lot of them are very hard to say out loud.

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